Bruce Elkin 

Personal Life Coaching Services and Personal Success Coaching

A Personal Life Coaching Success Story:
Ed's Life and Business Success Story: From Oscillation to Integrity

When Ed came to me for life coaching, he desperately wanted to change. He was a business man who had fallen on hard times, personally and professionally. As well spending five years in psychoanalysis, he'd also spent over $10,000 [in 1988 dollars] on alternative and "new age" therapies.

But, so far, he'd failed to create either the life or work he most wanted to create. To help, he had attended motivational sessions with Anthony Robbins, Jay Levinson, Tom Peters, and many others. He'd bought every self-help and success book you could imagine.

When conventional approaches failed to help, he turned to energy work, group work, bodywork, and spirit work. He'd been rubbed and Rolfed. He'd chanted and channeled. He'd meditated, listened to tapes, and done affirmations. He'd attended countless workshops, bought hundred of "new age" books, and kept crystals on him at all times.

But, none of it worked.

Or, as Ed put it, "It all worked, but only for a short while."

Ed made changes. But he produced results for a little while but then slipped back into his old habits. Frustrated, seeking relief, Ed bought a new book, attended a new workshop, or tried another approach. Again, he changed for a while only to revert to his former behavior. Overall, he stayed pretty much the way he was.

As personal life coaching with Ed progressed, I began to see the deeper- structural-underpinnings of his strange, oscillating behavior. All became clearer to me when Ed described what he called a "typical experience" for him.

He'd gone to apply for a job as a top manager in a mid-size corporation. Here is how our conversation went.

Ed: I entered the building and proceeded to the reception area for the department in which I was interested. When I ascertained that I was in the appropriate office, I informed the young woman at the desk whom I was, and that I wished to secure an interview for the position advertised. [That's really how he talked.]

Me: [The professionally aloof personal coach.] What happened next?

Ed: Without hardly looking at me, the little snip at the desk ordered me to take a seat and fill out the application form that she thrust across at me.

Me: What happened next?

Ed: I politely informed her that I was a trained executive, applying for a senior position, and not in the habit of filling out standard application forms like a part-time clerk. [He pronounced it clark]. Nor, I advised her, was I in the habit of taking orders from the likes of her and that I preferred to present my credentials to someone with more standing. I then proffered my resume and asked to speak to her superior.

Me: [Beginning to sense a touch of unprofessional irritation.] What happened next?

Ed: She, the little slip, grunted, then whined. "Fine!" she spat at me. "But first you still gotta fill out a application form."

Me: [After a slow, deep breath.] Okay. Then what happened?

Ed: I informed her in no uncertain terms exactly what I thought of underlings such as her, and then I spun on my heel and promptly stomped off the premises.

I must confess I lost my professional life coach aloofness at that point. I asked Ed a question intended more to point out what I thought was his foolish and patriarchal pomposity than to elicit useful information. His answer, however, surprised me.

Me: [Sarcastically.] So, Ed, did it work?

Ed: What?

Me: Your strategy of heel spinning and off-stomping. Did it work?

Ed: [After a long pause.] Yes.

Me: [Shocked personal life coach!] What?!

Ed: Yes. It . it did work.

Me: [Incredulous personal life coach.] How?

Ed: It, uh, uh, . it preserved my dignity. It took me a moment to regain proper life coach demeanor, and to grasp the deeper meaning of Ed's answer. When I regained my composure, I caught a glimpse of the opposing forces that gave rise to his strange pattern of oscillation. To be sure I understood that pattern, I asked him what he meant by "dignity".

Ed said he put a high value on "being true to himself." Dignity to him meant "integrity," or staying true to himself.

I diagrammed the conflicting forces and their structural dynamics for Ed.

Ed was shocked but strangely happy (for a moment) to see the contradiction in his desires.

"That diagram explains it perfectly," he said. "I see how I wasted so much time and money trying so hard to change in ways that weren't me."

Then he sighed and sagged in his chair, his pomposity gone, in it's place a sad naiveté. His face darkened, his accent slipped, and he moaned, "It looks as if I'm stuffed. I want to change and I want to stay the same. It's hopeless. I'll never create the life and work I want. I might as well just do myself in."

Through what became a long than usual personal life coaching session, I talked with Ed about the difficulty of "balancing" values. I explained how true integrity and success comes from integrating values, desires, and actions so they support higher order life purposes and desires.

I suggested that he clarify which value-change or dignity (integrity)-was most important to him and then led him through one of my success coaching exercises to help him do so.

It turned out integrity, being true to himself, was Ed's primary value, in both life and work. Change was important, too, but secondary. Being true to himself was most important as a person and as a business man.

So, I suggested that Ed try only making changes that would help him become truer to himself. I diagrammed the dynamics of the life design structure I suggested he work within.

I explained to Ed that by organizing what he wanted in this simple tension-resolution structure, he could more easily embrace and transcend the conflict between his two desires, and create the purpose driven life he longed for.

First, I suggested he designate his desire to be true to himself as primary and his desire to change as secondary, supporting.

Then by arranging his secondary desire so that achieving it also supported his primary desire, he could realize both desires with greater ease and simplicity.

I also explained to Ed how, in doing so, he'd learn to transcend any sort of complexity in favor of the real and lasting simplicity on the other side of complexity.

Ed's eyes lit up, his body re-inflated, and he said, "That's it! That's exactly what I want. I want to change ways that are authentic and true to my self. I just didn't know how to describe it. Or organize it. I'd love to work in a business that I felt was doing good work and in which I felt I was honouring my own values and desires."

We chatted a bit longer to ensure that Ed understood the dynamics of the oscillating structure that prevented him from changing. As a responsible personal success coach, I also wanted to make sure that he was clear about working within the newly formed life design structure. I wanted him to practice his new insights.

Within that life design structure, Ed found it much easier to make and sustain the changes he wanted to make. He took a course in creating, and began practicing creating results that mattered on a daily basis. He retained me as his on-going personal success coach to provide him feedback, and to hold him accountable for his dreams and actions. He also practiced creating simple, concrete results-in life, work, and relationships-that he wanted enough to complete.

As one small success led to another and series of successes built his competence and confidence, he stretched for more challenging results. He picked one of the meditation forms he'd dabbled in and focused on it. He upgraded his certifications and credentials, and redid his resume. Then, he changed his job search tactics and successfully obtained a position in a firm he trusted and liked working with. Within months, Ed was promoted to a position of great challenge and responsibility.

Ed still has much to learn and practice. He makes mistakes and his personality is still a bit abrasive. But, now-because his actions arise out of a structure that resolves toward vision, and supports what matters most to him-he is much better able to bring into being the results he truly wants to create. And to sustain those results over time.

Ed's friends (the few he had before we started our work) thought his new behavior was some sort of magic. But Ed's changes did not result from therapeutic magic or any other kind of therapy. They didn't even result primarily from my skill as a personal success coach.

What we did together in life coaching was not problem solving. I didn't heal Ed, fix him, or reprogram him. He didn't have to change, or rid himself of any beliefs or values. He didn't have to break down any barriers or whack himself in any vulnerable body parts. He didn't even have to think out of the box.

Ed changed because understood the organizing framework that gave rise to his oscillating behavior. He used the behavioral patterns he discerned to look more deeply into the life design structures that gave rise to that behavior.

Then, I helped him shift from a life design structure in which he'd held values in opposition, to a structure that integrated his values in a hierarchical, both/and framework.

That structure naturally gave rise to new patterns of behavior and to success.

With new patterns, Ed was much better able to transcend his dichotomy of desires and move toward the kind and quality of success that mattered most to him.

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